Cogito Ergo Sum---------------------------------Superbowl T-Minus 7 Days 18 Hours

"Sports are one of the few things on planet Earth that just make sense. Men don’t want to accept confusion."

But you know what? I can’t be the only guy that feels like this. There’s no way. And since most women don’t seem to understand why men feel like we do about certain professional sports teams (if you press us, men will admit that sports are nothing more than entertainment that showcases competition—much like *gulp* American Idol), I figured I’d do my part for male/female relationships and let you all know why we love sports.

After reading this, I hope you will understand why you should leave us alone during the games, especially THE GAME NEXT SUNDAY.

The Bonding Experience

In total silence, I was watching 6 NFL games at once at a local sports bar in the Detroit metro area, in walks my sister-in-law and her husband, who just happens to be my very own twin brother, coddled and gentled. This woman, who shall remain nameless, decided to use this opportunity to blither and blather endlessly, which resulted in my noncommittal grunting of about two words for every fifty of hers. She concluded later that this was bad timing on her part, and she was right. You see, one of the reasons that men love sports is because they give us a chance to enjoy the privacy and wholesomeness of competition without argument, namely man v. man, with respect to the WNBA. We love our fathers, but never get a chance to truly express such love (If you come from a household where you do truly express such love, I’ll bet you know the finer points of interior decorating, weirdos!)

Instead of offering us hugs and kisses, our fathers teach us important stuff: how to fight, how to play sports, how to enjoy sports, and whether or not a girl is worth spending money on. We fall in love with our teams in a way that transcends enjoying mere entertainment. This is why I cried at Isaiah Thomas Day in Detroit and didn’t shed a tear for my late grandma. (God rest her soul.) This is why Field of Dreams always chokes me up and most chick flicks make me laugh out loud. We equate our favorite teams with love for our fellow men. Which is weird because, as men, for the most part, we basically just want to beat the shit out of one another and fuck each other’s women. That’s life.

Anyway, the main reason why we love sports is because sports provide us with an avenue by which we can connect with our fellow men. Understand this, and maybe you won’t find our love of the stuff to be so stupid and unnecessary-though I doubt it.

The Respect Factor

Say what you will about any professional sport, but the truth of the matter is, that shit is hard as fuck to do! People complain about teachers making shit and athletes getting paid so much, but you know what? That makes sense. You have a one in a million shot of becoming a professional athlete, and all you need to be a teacher is a college degree and a certificate from the state. That’s another reason we love the sports and don’t mind how much money athletes make: we respect what they can do. That shit ain’t easy.

The Quantifiable Experience

Men are more logical (for the most part) than women. Because of this, we enjoy experiences that we can easily break down. One of the reasons more men read about sports than music is because sports give us easy answers. Why is Peyton Manning worse than Tom Brady? Just go to the post-season statistics and your questions are answered. With movies, books, popular culture and music, no experiences are truly quantifiable.

This is why Rebello’s writings often piss so many people off: when you write passionately about music or popular culture, you are basically offering an opinion of abstract experiences. (In other words, everyone has their opinions on culture and all opinions have merit.) When you write passionately about sports, you’re basically describing what everyone else already experienced. (In other words, everyone has to admit that they’d sooner bet on Brady than Manning in the AFC championship—statistics don’t lie.) Upsets happen on the road, don't they!

Because of this, we digest, ingest, and absorb sports like nothing else. To men, sports are one of the few things on planet Earth that just make sense. Men don’t want to accept confusion. We want things simple. We don’t want drama and we don’t need passion. We just want to figure stuff out, plain and simple, and then move on to the next problem. Sports allow us to do that.

So basically, ladies, I’m just asking you to understand this about the majority of men in your life: we love sports because we respect athletic ability, because sports remind us of the men in our lives, and because sports are something we can discuss logically (unlike whether or not “Incubus” is better than “The Killers”). We need this in our lives.

So, now that you understand how we feel, shut the hell up, get in the kitchen, and make us some sandwiches. And if there’s no deli meat, just use the leftover steak.